Remarks for Young Women in Excellence -- November 2007

I have done a lot of speaking in my day. I have lectured in graduate school courses, addressed conferences of hundreds, spoken at conventions and before groups of policy-makers and civic leaders in my professional life, but for some reason it is always an assignment to speak to the youth of the church that overwhelms me the most. I have been pondering why this is over the last week. I think, in part, it is that unlike these other forums, I feel that the standard for be interesting or amusing may be higher with young people – educators at a conference will listen to me drone on about legislative process very politely for quite awhile, teenagers do not always have that same reputation! But even more so, I think it is because I sense the importance of the responsibility of speaking to you.

I know that you face tough circumstances. I know that you are young and trying to find yourselves, making important decisions, and formulating your testimonies, and I feel immensely the need to actually say something that may be helpful to you that may touch your hearts. As I have thought and prayed about what to share with you tonight, I have been overwhelmed with a deep and abiding sense of the love that our Father in Heaven has for each of you, his daughters. I have felt impressed that nothing else I can say would be of more value than to let you know that in every possible way you truly are “daughters of a Heavenly Father who loves you.” I hope that you feel the reality of those words, no matter how often you may hear them.

I have done a lot of construction in my life. I know, my big muscles and strong physique would naturally lead you to assume that I spent my professional life in construction! Actually, I am far from professional. However, five years ago my husband and I bought a 70 year old home in need of some significant remodeling and restoration. We did not have a lot of money. But, we decided that two capable, college-educated people could figure out how to do basic home improvement projects on their own. I have come to believe whole-heartedly in the Home Depot slogan: “You Can Do It; We Can Help.” Despite Jeffrey not being a natural handy-man (he really isn’t), and my physical state at this time being 7 and 8 and 9 months pregnant, we managed to do demolition, move walls, lay tile, frame, sheetrock, tape and texture our basement, do basic plumbing, and paint and paint and paint. Through these experiences I have learned several lessons about construction that I think are equally valuable to building a life.

First, in life as in construction: “You Can Do It; We Can Help” or to be more accurate “You Will Do It; We Will Help.” From a broad perspective, as an active and committed member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you are part of the greatest construction project of all time: building the kingdom of God on Earth. You have been born at a time when there are great forces of evil, but when there is also great opportunity and blessings being poured out. Sometimes, I fear you hear too much about the wickedness of the world in which you live. Parents and leaders want so much to warn and protect you, that it would be possible at times to feel discouraged, even impotent in the face of the world in which you live. Maybe you have even wondered if it is worth trying, whether in the final winding up days of the earth it is worthwhile for you to plan and prepare for your own futures, as individuals, wives and mothers in Zion.

I love the response to similar concerns given by Elder Jeffrey Holland shortly after terrorist attacks in 2001. He quotes from three different modern prophets regarding the way that previous prophets looked forward to and rejoiced in our day and then summarizes as follows:

“They faced terribly difficult times and, for the most part, did not succeed in their dispensations…apostasy and destruction of one kind or another was the ultimate fate of every general dispensation we have ever had down through time. But…those great men and women, the leaders in those ages past, were able to keep going, to keep testifying, to keep trying to do their best, not because they knew that they would succeed but because they knew that you would. I believe they took courage and hope not so much from their own circumstances as from yours—a magnificent congregation of young [people] like you tonight gathered by the hundreds of thousands around the world in a determined effort to see the gospel prevail and triumph….Ours, not theirs, was the day that gave them “heavenly and joyful anticipations” and caused them to sing and prophesy of victory….In a very real way, their chance to consider themselves fully successful depends on our faithfulness and our victory.”
I love this concept. It creates a great sense of duty, but it also means that if we live up to our duty, if we fully embrace our responsibility as members of the Lord’s church, as Latter-day Saints in the truest sense of the word, we will not fail. We are part of something that we know in the end will be successful. No one else has ever had that sure knowledge, but we do. No matter how bad it gets around us, no matter how challenging our lives may become, our efforts to share and live the gospel will result in the eventual triumph of the Lord, not a falling away and great darkness. In short, You Can and Will Do It.
It would be really nice if my construction projects carried this same certainty of success, because there always seems to be a point about half-way through when I wonder what in the world I have done. Things always get messier and look worse halfway through than they did when you started. A room with a wall torn down, only partially rebuilt or a half-painted wall, or the exposed ceiling required to replace the electrical or plumbing system, always looks worse than what you started with.
There is a new show on the Home and Garden Channel (for which I am a real sucker – Jeffrey goes out of town, and my solace is non-stop HGTV in the evenings, somehow I feel less lonely when contemplating a home improvement project!) in any case, the show is called Carter Can! and the premise is that an expert, Carter, comes in to bail people out of the messes they have created by starting projects that they simply cannot finish. People on this show have ripped out their whole ceilings or taken off their whole roof and for 6 months, a year, two years later still cannot figure out how to get it back together. The interesting thing is that, without fail, their downfall is always that they have not thought through the project well enough in the beginning, they dove into it without an adequate plan for what they were trying to do.
Hence, my second lesson from construction is: have a plan.
This encompasses two of the other areas of competency that I found in studying the personal progress manual: developing an ability to set and achieve goals and focusing on the future. It is absolutely essential in life that you have clear vision of what you are trying to accomplish and goals to get you there.
Elder Holland has given you a big picture vision, but you need to figure out what that means your personal goals should be. There are several already emphasized in your personal progress and young women’s theme: being worthy to enter the temple, preparing the skills and personal attributes that will strengthen your future and present homes and families, and preparing for exaltation. Your personal commitment to these goals, the extent to which you make them your own personal goals, put them in your own words and tailor them to your own life and circumstances, is critical because they can give purpose to your daily, regular decisions.
In addition, you need to set personal, more short-term goals. These may be very measurable things like doing well in your school work, preparing to attend college, mastering a specific skill, or reaching out more to others. Often, the more important personal goals have to do with the development of who you are, and involve things like being more patient and loving in family interactions or being absolutely honest in your scholastic endeavors.
One of my most instructive personal experiences related to the power of goal setting occurred several years ago. It was early spring and for reasons still rather unknown to me, I decided to try to run a marathon. Now, to some of you this may not seem like that big of a deal. But, to me it was huge. Early in my life I had developed beliefs about my own aptitudes and strengths and any athletic ability was far at the bottom of the list. You need to understand that I was always the smart, ballet dancer girl who HATED gym class. I had a fear of balls and other objects being hurled at me in any sport; I got a side-ache when I ran, and I accounted myself of very little capability when it came to such activities. As I contemplated the prospect of running a marathon, I was more scarred than I have ever been about my potential to fail, because running seemed like something that I just could not do. Yet, that was part of the appeal. I had always set previous goals well within my comfort area. I was proud of my academic and creative accomplishments, but when I was completely honest with myself, I had only done what came easily to me. This did not feel easy.
In addition, to the prospect of actually running the over 26 miles on marathon day, I also had to successfully carry out the 16 week training program, and I was worried as a mother of a one year old, who worked part time, and had a multitude of responsibilities about whether I could really commit myself to training four or five days a week, often for several hours. Despite all this, I signed up and got into, and completed the St. George marathon. And, in the process I discovered that I loved running. That was the greatest thing of all. I not only met my goal, but I discovered that I could do something that I had always thought was beyond the realm of possibility for me, and even more, I discovered something that I really love.
In the process of working towards this goal, I learned several important lessons related to goal setting. First, having the big vision is not enough if you don’t break it down into a specific plan. Without my very prescribed training program, in which I trusted that if I completed it I could finish the race, I would have been at a loss as to how to prepare to do something so big and overwhelming. My training plan made it a possibility, but I had to abide by the daily goals, and often focus more on them than on the approaching “big race.”
Second, in the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, “That which we persist in doing becomes easier, not that the task itself has become easier, but that our ability to perform it has improved.” Nothing was more true than this in my training experience. My first five mile run was hard; I thought I would not finish at about mile four. Then, over time, as I continued to train, I found that a five miler was easy, in fact, I developed a belief that the perfect run is actually a ten miler. Who would have thought that I would enjoy and find a ten mile run easy! The distance and the complexity never changed, but I had.
Finally, attitude and thoughts make a big difference in getting to your goal. Positive thinking may seem trite, but nothing goes more slowly than a run in which you focus on how hot, and thirsty, and tired you are. I learned this best during the actual marathon. I had come up with this strategy that starting about half-way through the race I would dedicate each mile afterwards to someone important in my life and run that mile for them. This strategy made the miles fly. I ran a mile for my daughter. I thought about how much I loved her. I thought about the fact that one of the things I wanted her to gain from my experience was a knowledge that she could also do hard things. I focused on the lessons that could be taken away and the people I really cared about, and by holding in my mind the vision of what I was trying to do, the actual physical exertion required to do it seemed easy.
In constructing your life, set goals. Set big goals, set the goals you are afraid to set, because with effort, and vision, and consistent small accomplishments, you will reach them. In addition, remember that we are here on earth to become something, not to accomplish something. While you may DO a lot of worthwhile things in your life, in the end the races you run or the accomplishments you attain will matter little in comparison to the degree to which you have become a devoted disciple who has fully integrated the attributes of Christ into your very being. So, remember, that in the end what you are building is you. The only thing that you will take with you into the next life is what you have become and the relationships you have nurtured, so focus your goals on self-development. Your biggest success may be becoming a patient, loving, generous person. And, these goals require the same vision, consistent work, and ability to make easier that which now may seem impossible through regular, focused practice.
My third, and final, lesson from construction is: Don’t give up. As I mentioned before, in every construction project there is a point where I have wondered what I have gotten myself into. The small bathroom re-tiling project, often reveals rotting walls and plumbing leaks that also need to be replaced. Things get bigger or harder than they seemed when I commenced, and I can begin to question whether it was wise to undertake the project to begin with. Someone once told me, and I have found it to be true, that when you are doing a remodeling project you should decide how long it will take and how much it will cost, and then double it.
Similarly, in life, often when you have set a course, and are striving to a worthy goal, opposition will arise, challenges will come, and at times you may even question whether the goal was worthwhile to begin with, whether you are on the right path. My advice to you in such circumstances comes from the title of another talk by Elder Holland and the writings of the apostle Paul: Cast not therefore away your confidence.
In Hebrews 10:35-39, we read this counsel: “Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise…we are not of them who draw back into perdition; but of them that believe to the saving of the soul.”
Even when you have set good and righteous goals, even when you are living the gospel worthily in your life, hard times will come, unexpected events will unfold. You may righteously desire the blessings of marriage and family, and yet find that you remain single or without children for many years. You may long for opportunities to serve and develop yourself, and yet find that the doors you expected to open for you remain closed. You may long for your family members or friends to embrace and support your efforts to live and love the gospel, and yet you may continue to experience ridicule or rejection. In ways I am certain I cannot know or fully appreciate, you will find times when your goals seem out of reach. At such times, “cast not therefore away your confidence.” Remember, that it is after you have done the will of God that the promise will come.
In his talk by this title, Elder Holland relates the account of the Children of Israel who, after having been miraculously led out of Israel, find themselves on the borders of the Red Sea with nothing but water before them and the armies of Pharaoh pressing in behind them. We read in Exodus: “And when Pharaoh drew nigh, the children of Israel lifted up their eyes, and, behold, the Egyptians marched after them, and they were sore afraid.” And they turned to Moses and said: “Wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us forth out of Egypt?...It had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than that we should die in the wilderness.”
Elder Holland then says: “‘What about that which has already happened? What about the miracles that got you here? What about the frogs and the lice? What about the rod and the serpent, the river and the blood? What about the hail, the locusts, the fire, and the firstborn sons?’ How soon we forget. It would not have been better to stay and serve the Egyptians, and it is not better to remain outside the Church nor to reject a mission call nor to put off marriage and so on and so on forever. Of course our faith will be tested as we fight through these self-doubts and second thoughts. Some days we will be miraculously led out of Egypt – seemingly on our way – only to come to yet another confrontation, like all that water lying before us. At those times we must resist the temptation to panic and give up. At those times fear will be the strongest of the adversary’s weapons against us. ‘And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord…The Lord shall fight for you.’”
And so it is in our lives, the Lord will fight for us. One of the great lessons for overcoming challenges and opposition is to remember, as the Children of Israel failed to do, what we have known and experienced in the past. I was impressed that one of the competencies that you are encouraged to develop through the personal progress program is this very skill. You are to learn to reflect on your personal experiences and record your spiritual insights and blessings. The journal you keep will provide the text from which you will learn to recognize and trust the Lord’s hand in your life.

On a related note, remember that blessings and answers do not always come in the form you may expect. I love to think of Nephi. I have a suspicion that when he said so boldly to Lehi that he would “Go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded” that he may have expected things to go a little more smoothly when he encountered Laban. I expect that he thought that he would walk in, ask for the plates, and the Laban, under the influence of the Lord, would turn them over. He must have thought similarly, when he came up with the idea of buying the plates with his family’s wealth that now he had hit upon the answer. I doubt he expected to be chased by guards, his life threatened, and in the end to have to gain the plates through the sword. Moses expresses a sentiment that I think Nephi may have shared. After having gone to Pharoah asking him to let the children of Israel go, Pharaoh responds by increasing their burdens requiring them to now both collect the necessary straw and make the bricks that they were making before, and the children of Israel return to criticize Moses for only making matters worse. Moses then cries out to the Lord, “Why is it that thou hast sent me? For since I came to Pharaoh to speak in thy name, he hath done evil to this people; neither hast thou delivered thy people at all.” (Exodus 5:22-23)

You may at times wonder with Moses “why?” Often this occurs when the promised blessings are longer in coming than we expect, remember all the miracles and experiences it took for Pharaoh to actually let the Children of Israel go or how many times Nephi tried and failed to get the plates from Laban before they were secured. Often blessings also come in a manner different than we would have predicted.

I learned this lesson, in part, at the birth of my oldest daughter, Mia. All of my life I had had a burning desire to further my education. I felt that it was important and essential in my life for me to gain as much skill and capability as I could. After years of study and preparation, of prayer and seeking, I thought I had settled on the right course for me. I had just been accepted into several of the top law schools in the country with joint programs in social work. My husband Jeffrey and I had visited Boston to look for housing, put down a deposit to secure my spot, and thought we were on the cusp of having our dreams of ivy league education and the opportunities it would open for both of us become a reality, when I discovered I was pregnant. At first, I thought I could still make it work, I called the school and had them arranging a field placement for me that would be front-loaded and complete before my November due date. I knew I could work it out. And, then, we thought about what we really wanted. When I called to turn down a scholarship and forfeit my deposit and Jeffrey told Harvard Law School to take him off their list, it was not easy. But, our willingness to sacrifice has literally led to every blessing we have in our lives today.

I can now see the wisdom and mercy of a Heavenly Father who knew, better than I did, what would make me happy. I rejoice in the options available to me, and a Heavenly Father that taught me that while I may be able to “have it all” in life, I don’t need to have it all at the same time.

Like Nephi and Moses, you too will be delivered. You will obtain the promised blessings. Your prayers will be heard and they will be answered. Perhaps not exactly when you think they will or in the manner you expect, but they will come. So, don’t give up.

I promise you that as you fully commit to living the gospel, set and strive for worthy goals, and persist throughout the obstacles and set-backs of life, that if you are observant, you will see the hand of the Lord manifest daily on your behalf. You will see your capacity to do good things for the right reasons increased beyond what you may now believe is possible. You will see miracles occur as the waters part before you, and you will realize your deepest, and most righteous desires in ways that you cannot fully comprehend now.

Remember, the Lord loves you. You are his daughter, and he has sent you forth at this time in life to succeed in becoming like he is, and in so doing building up the Kingdom of God on Earth. If you remember this and you integrate the lessons you are truly learning through this program, you cannot and will not fail.